|
O
U R S T O R I E S
Journal
Excerpts
by Diane Varner
• December
28, 2000 - After surgery
Where do I begin?
Do I begin 2 years ago when I first went in to see the doctor
about a lump I felt? Or do I begin Nov. 2000 when my lump finally
showed up CLEARLY on the mammo? The day that my deep being knew
I was in trouble!
8 days after surgery,
I sit here in our livingroom in the darkness of a new day with
a gash from my nipple to my armpit and a tube hanging out of my
side. These are the physical aspects. The psychological?
Well, I have a feeling those wounds will definitely take longer
to heal. I know this deeply as well.
I don't even know
where to begin with my feelings. I obviously have been
through a wide range of emotions such as the absolute fear that
gripped me on that Nov. afternoon after my appt. I remember walking
back to the car, the sky was dramatic with pink and orange colors
of a winter sunset. I let Boomer (our dog) out of the car and
he greeted me with his usual joy and readiness to experience the
moment, whatever that moment might hold. I remember thinking I
wish I could embrace the moment but I walked in a daze around
the walkways at Stanford Hospital with Boomer leading the way.
I knew that a door
in my life had just been slammed shut. There was no returning.
I kept trying to tell myself that the mammogram and ultrasound
where just showing the same lump that had been there for 2 years.
But my gut told me I was in trouble.
I came home to Bob (my husband) and repeated
the afternoon's happenings. We both sat and looked at each other.
Perhaps we both knew.
Within a day, all
the familiar changed. In the days that followed, I focused
on my health and the possibility of breast cancer. The ramifications
of ALL the possibilities left me breathless (literally!).
• January 10, 2001 - First Support
Group Meeting
I went to my first
support group meeting last night and listened and watched courageous
women. Women just like myself who have been dropped into
a strange, unfamiliar and scary land. We all are quickly trying
to decipher the symbols, the messages, the code which will save
our lives. We willingly let our breasts be cut on or cut off;
we let beams of radiation shed its killing on our chests; we let
our veins become rivers of toxins. ALL TO LIVE! All to see the
light of a new day... to hold our loved ones for the lifetime
we were expecting to live. All to fulfill our dreams, our hopes
and our anticipations that we all thought would always be there
for the taking.
I don't know why
this has happened to me... why I've been given this “opportunity”
to go to this strange land and meet all these new women. Or why
I have all these bizarre feelings... from fear to confusion to
clarity, back to fear again and then excitement of finding a stronger
sense of my own spirituality. I DON'T
KNOW WHY! But I do know that I am truly blessed to have found
this group.
|
