BC GROUP - Elsie Halsell

O U R S T O R I E S

Life After Breast Cancer
by Elsie Halsell

On Oct. 2000 my life, as I had known it, turned upside down when I found a lump in my left breast. I feared from the start it was going to be cancerous, but I was hoping against all hope that it wasn’t. After having an x-ray, a sonogram & finally a biopsy, the doctors confirmed the worse. It was ductal breast cancer & I would have to have a complete mastectomy & probably chemo if it has spread into my lymph nodes. It was the most devastating news I had ever had.

I was 52 & I’d had no warning, no past history & no idea such a thing could happen to me. I’d had a physical ten months before & all was well, except for some pre-menopausal symptoms, so the Dr. gave me some hormone pills to take. They made the irregularity worse, so I stopped taking them. Then here I was eight months later with a lump the size of a very large marble.

My daughter, Tara, had gone with me for the sonogram, but when I went for the biopsy, I chose to go alone. I was afraid of what they’d tell me, & I knew if she were there I’d loose it. When I was first told it was cancerous, I just went numb all over. It was such a shock that I didn’t know if I could handle it or not. I left the Dr.’s office in a trance. I didn’t start crying until I called Tara & told her my “test” was positive—I couldn’t say the word “cancer” then & didn’t for almost a year. It was an awful word & I hated it then & I hate it now.

That first night was a time of coming to grips with a terrible nightmare. I had a multitude of emotions. I went from giving up with despair to fighting back with anger. Why was this happening to me? What had I done to deserve this kind of punishment? I was trying to come to grips with something so terrible that it could destroy & take my life. It made all the problems that I’d ever face, seem trivial & unimportant. How was I going to get through this? I prayed to God that He’d give me the strength & faith to fight this monster that was inside of me.

It was very hard to tell family & friends what was found & that I was going to have to have major surgery. Life had never been easy, but this was almost more than I could bear. I’d been divorced for over 12 years & raised my two kids by myself. But nothing I’d ever faced seemed so awful & so fatal as this. It was hard to keep from feeling that my life was over & that they’d be no more tomorrows. How could I have something so deadly in my body when I felt so good physically?

I had always taken good care of my health, but here I was faced with the unthinkable. My mental state was in turmoil & my heart was heavy. People tried to give me assurances by giving me books, words of hope & things to read on breast cancer & it’s treatment, but it was like no one could feel what I was feeling. The more I read, the worse I felt & the more scared I became. I felt so alone and sometimes the feeling was so overwhelming that I wanted to give up. But I had two great kids, & two wonderful grandsons, & I wanted to live to enjoy them. So I found the courage, with God’s help, to face the future & all that it had in store.

The day before Thanksgiving 2000 I checked into the hospital & with my two children by my side, along with parents, sisters & a few very close friends, I had my surgery. I tried not to think of anything except getting through the surgery. The rest I would think about when the time came to face it. I had a complete mastectomy with reconstruction on my left breast.

They took a muscle from my back, brought it under my arm & grafted it in place. I had stitches in front as well as in my back & four drainage tubes. I was in the hospital deadly sick for six day’s because I was allergic to the pain medicine that they gave me. They finally gave up & gave me Tylenol. The pain was unimaginable. After I got home I slept in my recliner for over two weeks, as I couldn’t lie on my side or back for the pain.

There was so much I couldn’t do by myself. I couldn’t cook, or do any kind of housework. I couldn’t even take a bath without Tara’s help. We had to keep the stitches dry, so we put a trash bag over me head & I’d set in the tub as she poured water over me to wash my hair. I couldn’t move my left arm more than a few inches & had to have help in everything I did. I had trouble putting on my clothes & just trying to eat was a chore. I couldn’t drive for 2 weeks, so had to be driven back & forth to the doctor. I had no energy, no stamina & tired just walking from the bed to the chair.

Raised in a time where you fought your own battles & asked no one for help, it was very hard for me to admit that I needed someone to help me do things. My kids, parents, sisters, & friends called & visited. But it was a blow to my pride to ask for help. The pity everyone showered upon me over whelmed me. I knew everyone cared & that they hurt for me, but I wanted the impossible. I wanted my life back the way it had been just a few weeks before--happy, healthy & not needing any ones sympathy or help. It was hardest on my two kids. Tara being a woman, understood more than my son, Cliff. I had told him very little about what was happening or what to expect, so he wasn’t prepared to see me so sick. I’d always been there to take care of them, but now here they were having to take care of me. I kept my fears & pain inside of myself instead of sharing them. As I look back on it, it would have been easier on all of us if I’d been more open about my feelings.

After the tubes came out & the swelling went down, I went in to have a port a cath put in so the chemo treatments could be given intravenously. It seemed that just when I came to terms with one thing, I would have to over come something else. I began to feel like a human pincushion after all the needles, blood test & shots that I had to have. And just when I thought the worse was over, I started chemo.

On New Years Eve, I had my first treatment. What a way to start a new year! They tried to explain & prepare me for the side effects, but it was worse then words could describe. I felt like I had the worse flu of my life combined with all the other illness you could have all rolled up into one. I was sick for six days. I had no appetite & nothing would stay down when I tried to eat. Nothing tasted like it should. There was a strange taste in my mouth that nothing could get rid of. They told me to drink this, try that, & take nausea pills but nothing seemed to work.

After six days of not eating, I was weak & hardly able to move. After the first week I started loosing weight & none of my clothes fit anymore. Finally during the third week I was feeling a little better. And just when I began eating & sleeping normally, it was time for another treatment & the cycle started all over. I tried to go to work, but was so weak & sick that I had to be driven back home. I did this for the first 2 treatments, but then just gave up trying. I’d go in on a Friday & when I left for my treatment I’d say, “I’ll see ya in a week”.

For seven days after the treatments, I’d close myself up inside my bedroom, pull the curtains tight, turn off all the lights & curl up in a ball. I’d get up & get water, crackers, & ice cream, when I could keep it down. It was all I could do to walk from the kitchen, to the bathroom & back to bed. I’d pray to God for strength to survive & sometimes even pray to die.

Depression set in with a vengeance. It was a very hopeless & unending time to me. I cried more than I had every cried before. If it wasn’t for my kids, parents, family & some very dear friends who kept coming to see me, calling me & bringing me things, I don’t know if I could of made it. But between them & God, I survived.

One of the first thing’s they tell you about chemo is that you’ll loose your hair. I was told to go ahead & buy a wig now so when “the time came” I’d have it to wear. I thought that loosing your hair to chemo was a stigma of “being sick”. Some women are able to brave the world without wearing a wig, but I wasn’t one of them. So I got me a wig that was very close to my own hair color & style, thinking, “ok I’m ready for this”.

Then the day came when my hair started falling out. Tara came over & shaved my head. She tired to make light of it & make me feel better by joking around but it was very traumatic experience for me. I wouldn’t look at myself no matter how hard she tried to get me to. As a matter of fact, I never did look at my reflection in the mirror the whole time I was without my hair. The mirror was my enemy. It striped me of my pride & of who I had been. I just could not look into the mirror without something over my head. I thought if I did, I’d loose whatever grip I had on my sanity.

My fourth & last chemo treatment was a day of celebration. I had seven days of being sick still to come, but just knowing it'd be the last seven days was enough to make me happy beyond words. It took me a few months to be able to feel like my old self again. It was days before I had an appetite & months before my energy returned. But soon my smile was back as well my zest for life. I felt like I had a chance to live & be happy again.

The one spot that was empty, & a spot that I thought was forever to be empty now, was to have the love of a man. I started going out dancing & trying to feel normal again. But here I was with scars, & no hair. I kept thinking, “who could ever love me?” Sometimes I couldn’t help but wallow in self-pity, but I always felt guilty afterwards. My whole life was still an emotional roll-a-coaster even after all the treatments were behind me. I tried to just be happy that I was alive, but now more than ever I wanted to love & be loved. And just when I thought it was something that was impossible, God stepped in again & showed me He was still in control.

Two months after I completed my last chemo treatment, I logged onto one of my e-mail addresses. I hadn’t checked it since I’d started getting sick, but now that I felt better I was trying to catch up with all my e-mails to far away friends. There among other notes from friends & junk mail, was a note from a guy that I’d known & dated while in high school. A lifetime ago. He’d found my name on Classmates.com where I’d registered months before & wanted to “catch up on old times”.

I wrote back to Roy & as it turned out he had been looking for me for several years. He knew I was living somewhere near Austin, but didn’t know my last name. He came into Austin a few times a month for National Guard, so we made plans to get together. It was like taking a step back in time. We talked about all the people we knew from “back then” & where they were now. It was really great seeing & talking to him. He’d been divorced for a few years, & was living in a town a couple of hours away.

We wrote back & forth, went dancing, or to the movies or out to eat when he came into town. We did this for several months & became very good friends again. My hair had come back, & I was pretty much my old self. But I still felt unattractive with all the scars I had. I was still afraid that no one would desire me & was afraid of rejection. So I kept him at arms length, & told myself that I was happy with him just being my friend.

But after several months of his sweet & caring personally, I began to feel things that I thought were impossible to feel. I got up the nerve to ask him if he wanted to see if we could “go somewhere”. He was willing to try, so we did. He was already a dear friend so going into a relationship was easy & natural. The cancer & scars wasn’t a turnoff to him. We were able to talk about it openly as well as talk about the future. It was so wonderful having someone that I could talk to & be open with. Eleven months after my last chemo treatment, we were married, & have started a new life together.

More has changed in my life that my martial status. After I got well, I became aware of other women at my work that had gone through the same battles that I had with cancer & chemo. They showed me that cancer can be defeated. They gave me comfort when only someone who has gone where you are going can. Since I’ve recovered, I’m one of those women who gives comfort & words of strength to the ones who have been told they have breast cancer.

People who have fought the battle of cancer have a special kind of appreciation for life. You wake up every morning thanking God for a day without pain & sickness. You LOVE LIFE like you’ve never loved life before. Anyone that has fought “the battle” has a special kind of smile & enjoy life even with it’s problems. Now I know why they use the term “Battling Cancer”. It is a war. It’s you against the disease, you against the medicine, you against the suffering of your body, & you against time. And when it’s over you are like a soldier coming home... battle scared & tired with the need to be loved & understood.

There will always be obstacles to over come as long as I live, but with a strength that only comes from God, Roy by my side & the love of my family & friends, I will be able to survive & come out victorious. Life IS truly wonderful even when the times get hard.

My advice to all women is: if you’ve never been diagnosed with breast cancer or any other form of cancer, thank God & count your blessings. If you’re a woman who has just been told she has cancer or if you’re going through the surgery & treatments right now, just hang on & pray for strength. God will give you what you need to beat the cancer & all that comes with it. He’ll help you enjoy life again one day, and it’ll be a better life. It’ll be a life that you’ll appreciate more & more. But the main point I want to make is don’t give up. I can assure you that THERE IS LIFE AFTER BREAST CANCER.

I AM A SURVIVOR

I am a survivor, the red devil I've defeated.
I am a survivor, the months of chemo I've completed.
I am a survivor, I've survived the pain & sorrow.
I am a survivor, God has given me a new tomorrow.

I remember all the days of darkness.
I remember all the nights of hopelessness.
I remember all the many hours of pain.
I remember feeling I was going insane.

I got through the days with no hair.
I got through the weeks of heavy despair.
I got through the blood test & the pills.
I got through the letters & all those bills.

I made it with help from a great medical team.
I made it with eating crackers & ice cream.
I made it with the support from the ones I love.
I made it with the help from God above.

I AM A SURVIVOR! CANCER I'VE DEFEATED!
I AM A SURVIVOR! A REBIRTH I'VE COMPLETED!
I AM A SURVIVOR! A NEW LIFE GOD HAS GIVEN ME!
I AM A SURVIVOR! FOR I AM CANCER FREE!

By Elsie Halsell - 2002

E-mail: Elsie Halsell